{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
They did not think through this water fountain
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?