Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

the duality of man

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.