{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
is it too early for christmas memes
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8