{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
You Might Also Like
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
This why you should mind your business
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.