{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
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Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one