Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?