Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’

The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.

Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.

In this essay, I will

Bread puns are on the rise!

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

Head Chef: You’re fired.

Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-

Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

rest in peas

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30