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Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Pretty much. 🤣
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*