Comparing yourself to others
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Netflix and you sit over there.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.