“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
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I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
can you read it!!??
maan!
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
Ape together strong
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
This squirrel eats better than I do
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot