“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
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1.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
😬
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside