“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.