“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
we all know this pain all too well
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.