Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
