Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
mandolin: finally a violin for men
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
