*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
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Note to self: always read the final line
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken