*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You Might Also Like
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
🤣🤣🤣
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
ok this is my dumbest yet
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
she has a point
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…