Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was dropped as an adult

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

[First day as a Scientist]

Boss: We need some petrified wood

Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*

Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right

My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?