Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken