Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there