Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these