Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”

And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?

the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

be careful

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

I hope you folks are recycling correctly

Air pods looking like an angry frog

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

[Trying to find space in a parking lot]

Astronaut: We are severely off course

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.