Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i

sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail

prisoner: i can see that but where

sheriff: mississippi

prisoner: ok now that is bad news

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

trainer: how long can you plank?

me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

Well. That’s not a good sign.

That took me a moment.

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets