Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less

what the hell girl, sure

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged