computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
even bears disappoint their mothers
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope