Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone

firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’