computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
You Might Also Like
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
put ‘er there pardner!
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.