Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.

Jedi you are not sir

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.

Their Arch enemy, you might say.

Honest job application:

On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

Writing, She Murdered.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.

Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy