*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
🤣🤣
groan^2
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.