Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

I love this❤️😁👍

When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”

…I am not a catfish.

Why am I like this?

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.