computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”