Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Is this a threat?
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess