Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
When texting a woman while she is mad and you see them 3 dots for like 5 minutes then they just disappear….. start running
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Single worst piece of software ever invented
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.