@ricsem

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

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@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@HenpeckedHal

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

@eedrk

(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world

@aLunchBox

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

@thatUPSdude

Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?

“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”

@thepaulahunt

Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.

@psybermonkey

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?