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@ricsem: Computer dating is fine... if you are a computer.
@monicaheisey: just accidentally clicked "Sort by Price: High to Low" like some kind of child emperor
@ch000ch: [ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
@HomeProbably: My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
@DC_Draino: Her: “My liberal parents are coming over for dinner. Please don’t be political”
Me after my 2nd Scotch...
@TheHyyyype: [i witness a crime]
COP: we'll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich