Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me opening up to someone
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Birds & Planes.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days