Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
(reads about how guys who say girls don’t need makeup are bad)
me to my crush: hey girl you need lots of makeup. more than any girl in the whole world
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Hey people that knock on locked restroom doors, what are you expecting?
“hey I’m taking a shit but come on in and join me”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?