Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
You Might Also Like
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“Sheer Arrogance”
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad