Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
October already? What’s next? November????
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”