Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.