Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
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[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?