Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.