Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Creepy-crawlies

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

kids play hide and seek like

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.

Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started