Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world

Ash: i’m a kid

Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you

Ash: that sounds dangerous

Oak: keep it caged in a ball

Ash: kinda harsh

Oak: catch’em all

Ash: you okay bro

Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.