Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.

Except you. You get under me.

okay run it by me one more time

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny

[later]

THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.