Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

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Expectations vs. Reality

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*

Person: So, what’s your favourite book?

Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti