COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head