Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

What.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?

Me: We have to be quick!

*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D6aUOZqUwAAabG-.mp4

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!