COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
mariah carrie
Ken is short for chicken
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.