COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
doing your own taxes
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
LOL
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.