Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: PLAY WITH ME!

Me: *grabs toy*

My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]