COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
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Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together