Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

What have you done…🐈🐾🥴

Sound On..🔊🆙

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️