Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.