Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

Ugh, stalkers are horrible.

You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana