Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?

Me: KENNY…and my password is….

IT: FOOTLOOSE

Me: Wow…How did you know?

IT:

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

Very good! 👍😂

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.