Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

emergency phone

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

💀💀

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now