Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

Not my job 😂

I fixed it. For me

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.

Try it…”Bluetooth connected”

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!

Did I eat too many donuts today? My stomach says yes, but my heart says no.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.