Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
lol
“I took care of your clown problem.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Anyone really
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what