Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
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My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
She knows her part so well!
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.