Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.