Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

*serious situation*

My brain:

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month