Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

“Hi, I’m trying to find a book to read and I don’t know where to start.”
“Well, let’s narrow it down a little. Do you want fiction?”
“No, I don’t really like fiction.”
“Non-fiction, then.”
“No, not that either.”
“Okay…”
“Does that narrow it down?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

can’t believe I got front row seats

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Informant: why?

Me: for spilling the beans

Informant: I didn’t-

Me: shut your fern gully

Informant: what

Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy

Informant: ok now you’re making these up

Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

trivia