Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

#inspiration #foodforthought

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.