Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You Might Also Like
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Taking phone security to the next level.
OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Never forget.
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much