Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You Might Also Like
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful