Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
You Might Also Like
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”