Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
it’s the silliest best thing
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?