Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?

‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*