Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Voting is the worst group project
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.