Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??