computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
You Might Also Like
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Clown: [reaching for his nose]
Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.