Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.

Court starts Monday.

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

Where’s my employee discount too?

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

🍛

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.