Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

death: it’s your time

me: in my dying era

death: what

me: going ghost mode

death: stop

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all