Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.

What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.