Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Blocked: 1985
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids