COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
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Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.