COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.